words hurt

Remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? What a load of crap!!!
I can tell you from personal experience that sticks and stones hurt for awhile but words can hurt forever. Sticks and stones may leave temporary marks, but words can leave scars that last a life time. Given the choice, I'd much rather be hurt by sticks or stones any day.

"You are not good enough."
"You will never be one of those who can realize their dreams because you aren't smart enough" or
"You just have to admit for yourself that your sister is better at this than you are."
Or how about,
"You better watch what you eat because you are gonna get fat...ho, ho ho!!!"

All of these and more, coming from the ones I expected to be protected, cared for, and encouraged by. Well, once I knew what to expect from them, I decided to not let their words bother me. But I found that it was easier said than done. "Protecting" myself from the emotional abuse led to something worse...a lack of emotion; an abundance of skepticism towards anything nice said to me; a "natural" distrust. All of these together, built a wall around myself. No one was let in and nothing was let out. I was always 'fine'. I was not broken. I had a smile on my face, did I not? There was no sadness in my eyes, since I was, after all, 'fine'.

Why, then, the sinking feeling? Why the sense of hopelessness? Why did I feel so miserable?

I thought I had built my wall high enough; strong enough. It had taken my entire lifetime, up to this point. It wasn't just something that I whipped up overnight just for the fun of it. It was a wall built on purpose, howbeit, somewhat unknowingly. Each brick was placed with care and placed there either because something else had hurt me or I was trying to prevent something else from hurting me.

However, I am beginning to realize that my 'wall' is not as strong or protective as I once thought.
I am beginning to 'feel'. It's weird, really. One minute I'm fine, the next, I'm pushing back tears or feeling pretty depressed. There must be cracks in my 'wall'.

I've been told that my 'wall' needs to go. That I won't be able to heal until I remove it. But it is such a vulnerable feeling, this exposing of myself. What happens when I get hurt again? And what am I supposed to do with all these painful memories or past experiences?

Well...that is what I am trying to figure out...