Depression sucks!!!

I am sad. I hurt; but I hurt inside. I can't tell you how I hurt, why I hurt, or when it started, but I can tell you as sure as I'm writing this, that I hurt. It's an ache that won't go away. It's pain like a lead foot on my chest. It makes it hard to breathe, burns my eyes, and makes me lose my appetite. It makes it very difficult to concentrate and takes away any desire to speak. In fact, it takes away the desire for anything. 

How can I go like this? I want to cry but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't. I want to hide in a dark room for a very long time till the hurt goes away. The hurt I can't explain to anyone. Very honestly, I can't explain it to myself either. 

I haven't felt this way for a long time. I remember this feeling and it scares me. It scares me because I don't know how long it will last or how I will work through it. I'm not sure how I will mask it and keep people from asking questions. I guess I will just take it one day at a time; one hour at a time; one moment at a time. 

I'll get through it. One way or another, I'll get through it. I'll survive. That's who I am. Then, one day, I will tell the story in the hopes it will be able to help others. 

Messy Humanity

Messy Humanity

words hurt

Remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? What a load of crap!!!
I can tell you from personal experience that sticks and stones hurt for awhile but words can hurt forever. Sticks and stones may leave temporary marks, but words can leave scars that last a life time. Given the choice, I'd much rather be hurt by sticks or stones any day.

"You are not good enough."
"You will never be one of those who can realize their dreams because you aren't smart enough" or
"You just have to admit for yourself that your sister is better at this than you are."
Or how about,
"You better watch what you eat because you are gonna get fat...ho, ho ho!!!"

All of these and more, coming from the ones I expected to be protected, cared for, and encouraged by. Well, once I knew what to expect from them, I decided to not let their words bother me. But I found that it was easier said than done. "Protecting" myself from the emotional abuse led to something worse...a lack of emotion; an abundance of skepticism towards anything nice said to me; a "natural" distrust. All of these together, built a wall around myself. No one was let in and nothing was let out. I was always 'fine'. I was not broken. I had a smile on my face, did I not? There was no sadness in my eyes, since I was, after all, 'fine'.

Why, then, the sinking feeling? Why the sense of hopelessness? Why did I feel so miserable?

I thought I had built my wall high enough; strong enough. It had taken my entire lifetime, up to this point. It wasn't just something that I whipped up overnight just for the fun of it. It was a wall built on purpose, howbeit, somewhat unknowingly. Each brick was placed with care and placed there either because something else had hurt me or I was trying to prevent something else from hurting me.

However, I am beginning to realize that my 'wall' is not as strong or protective as I once thought.
I am beginning to 'feel'. It's weird, really. One minute I'm fine, the next, I'm pushing back tears or feeling pretty depressed. There must be cracks in my 'wall'.

I've been told that my 'wall' needs to go. That I won't be able to heal until I remove it. But it is such a vulnerable feeling, this exposing of myself. What happens when I get hurt again? And what am I supposed to do with all these painful memories or past experiences?

Well...that is what I am trying to figure out...

Questions...many questions...

Who am I? Am I normal? What is normal?

How did I get here? Where am I going?

What is wrong with me??? Why did 'all this' happen to me? If this is life, why does it often feel so rough?

Anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, emptiness, hopelessness, not feeling anything, longing, searching, hoping (wait..how can I both hope and feel hopeless???), trying, succeeding, failing, caring, loving, hurting, wanting to heal...Is this roller coaster of emotions I feel 'normal'? Like I asked earlier, WTF is normal?! 

Does everyone feel as fucked up as I do? Does everyone come from a dysfunctional home? How do I process all these feelings inside me? How do I work through the hurt and the pain and the suckiness of the past?

If I am to move forward, I need to look forward...but how?? Where do I go from here? If I can't even explain how I'm feeling in words, how am I supposed to expect anyone else to be able to help me?

How come, what happened in the past is still haunting me today and robbing me of today's joy?

How do I get rid of it? Move on? Be free? Be able to live without the demons of the past jumping out at any given time?

Is there hope? Can I be free? Will I ever be truly happy?

Writing things out has helped in the past...can it help me now??

If anyone reads this, will they have to go through therapy because of the psychological confusion I have unintentionally caused?

Was the above question my 'disclaimer'???